After my last breakdown, I received the following message from a friend, one who knows the struggle all too well. I’ve been ruminating on her message for the last few weeks, and about what her kind words have meant to me. It is so beautifully written, that I felt I had to share.
Even though my journey ended with 3 beautiful gifts from God – it doesn’t mean, for one second, that my heart isn’t with you.
I know your pain. Your anger. Your frustration. Your exhaustion. Your hope. Your prayers. Your tears. Your anxiety. Your desperation. I know all of it. The financial struggle, the energy to keep going after so many disappointments. The feeling of why her?
My heart is with you. And while our journeys may be different – please know I pray for yours everyday. Every single day. Every time I look at my gifts from God. Every time they make a mess or won’t sleep. Each time they make me want to hide in the closet with a back of Reese’s. I stop – and pray for you. You yearn for the “bad toddler” days. I know you do. Because I yearned for them. For years.
So I am here to tell you are justified in EVERY emotion you feel. Except loneliness. Please, please promise me you’ll keep reaching out – to me, to a support group, to anyone who will listen. If a baby is the desire of your heart, then you have to walk this road – but you don’t have to walk it alone. And I promise you – I promise with every fiber of my being – it’s all worth it. Every last bit.
Her message got me thinking, specifically about friendship. I’ve tried to stay off the grid the last few weeks, as I deal with my anxiety over the impending cycle. Yet, there have been a small handful of people who refuse to let me go it alone, despite how much I’ve tried to evade all human contact. And this post is, in small part, a way to thank them for their kindness and friendship, as I go through the hardest thing I’ve ever endured in my life for a second time.
To my best friend, my ride or die, my PIC. Who has refused to let me go through any of this alone. Who has called after appointments, shot me up with fertility drugs, held my hand and wiped my tears. Who oozes enough positivity for the both of us, so on the days when I feel particularly hopeless and self-deprecating, I know she’ll carry me through until I can stand on my own two feet again. Who understands that sometimes I just need to be alone and never takes it personally, but instead, keeps calling, texting and sending me funny memes just to let me know she’s thinking of me.
To the girls in my book club, who always make a point to ask how we’re doing every time I see them. They make me feel comfortable with talking about where we’re at and how I feel. And after my last breakdown, a card and beautiful little plant showed up on our doorstep. It was such a nice little pick-me-up and both Lee and I appreciated the thought and kind words.
To the friends, going all the way back to elementary school all the way up through college and beyond, that have reached out and sent messages filled with kind thoughts from all across the country.
To the friend who listened to me vent as we walked 3 miles around the lake and then took me out for sushi afterward.
To the friend who came over so we could co-celebrate our April birthdays with cake that we wouldn’t have to share with anyone else. The same friend, who, every time I see her, asks what she can do to support me.
The friend who’s going through enough of her own personal issues right now, but still sends the occasional text telling me that we’re on her mind and my personal favorite, that she “believes in my uterus”.
To my two coworkers (friends, really) who ask how I’m doing and give me a safe space to be vulnerable if the need hits me mid-workday.
I can’t even begin to describe what each and every one of these kindnesses has meant to me in the last few weeks. Ever since I went public with our struggle, every now and then, I find myself wondering if being so public and vocal about our infertility was the right thing to do. It seems to make some people uncomfortable. But I hope that whoever is out there reading this blog, that you have managed to find something to take away from it. Whether you’ve recognized the struggle because you’re currently going through it, or perhaps, you’ve watched a loved one endure the same pain. If anything I’ve shared over the last year has made a difference to you, then I’ve been successful.
To those that have reached out and been supportive, especially those that have helped us gear up for our second round, I am forever grateful. I might not have the biggest support system, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got the best one.