We’re 5 weeks in to 2018, and while I don’t make resolutions, per se, I do believe in assessing areas of “opportunity” within my life. What am I doing well? What can I be doing better? How can my life improve?
I’ve had some time to reflect over the last few weeks and determine how I want my 2018 to look. And while the majority of my resolve is focused on my career and my health, we do have a gigantic elephant in the room that needs to be dealt with. Lee and I need to figure out what our course of action will be if we want to try, yet again, to start a family.
I’ll be honest; I’ve had a lot of doubts. Until you’ve been though infertility, you have no idea how draining it is. Do I really want to go though that again? 4 years of trying, 4 failed IUIs and now a failed IVF cycle. Am I a masochist? Not only that, our Europe trip also made me realize how much I love the freedom of being able to travel. Lee and I currently have the resources to travel to Europe every year if we want. I love that freedom. And I’m not quite sure I’m ready to say goodbye to that lifestyle yet.
I’m also concerned about Lee. On our first IVF attempt, I was convinced that I was the problem. I busted my ass to get in shape and become the happiest and healthiest version of myself. I did it because I wanted to make sure that if our IVF attempt failed, that I would have no regrets. And I didn’t. But after all was said and done, we found out that I wasn’t the problem. Will Lee be able to put forth as much effort as I did?
And finally, it’s going to take a lot to get back into the mindset of trying IVF again. The hormones, the shots, the procedures; they’re physically and emotionally taxing. And life is so boring during the process. We’re bound to our schedule. Sure, we can make plans, but we need to be home at the same time every night to take a shot. And we can’t even think about making weekend plans, because chances are, we’re going to have at least one ultrasound. Am I ready to upend my life again?
All of these items were up for discussion when Lee and I sat down to talk about the new year. After some back and forth regarding our (read: my) reservations, we came to a decision. Lee and I are going to try again.
The plan for now, is to try again in May. That should give us a few months to work on our meal and fitness routines and should (hopefully) give me enough time to wrap my head around the particulars of another cycle.
It’s not going to be easy, in fact, this time around I anticipate it will be much harder. The stakes seem higher, somehow, and I’m not sure why. They just do. But I find solace in the fact that I’ve got a small but powerful support system next to me cheering me on the whole way.