….because I am impatient as f**k . I have no doubt that the next few months are going to test my patience in ways I can’t even possibly imagine. I’m choosing (or at least trying) to look at this as a positive and one hell of a character booster.
We chose to wait until September for IVF for a variety of reasons. For one thing, our doctor doesn’t perform IVF in the summer months. In his years of doing IVF, he’s found the summer months are actually less successful. So that narrowed our options to early June and late September. Naturally, cost is playing a factor as well. IVF is freaking expensive, even with good insurance, so we wanted to make sure we had enough time to save as well. Finally, an up coming New York City trip helped to finalize our decision. With our vacation taking place at the end of June, it seemed that waiting until September would be the way to go. This would allow us to enjoy the summer with family and friends, while working to mentally prepare ourselves for the journey ahead.
We informed our doctor’s team of our decision and asked what can do in the meantime to make sure we’re prepared. They referred us to the 141 page manual on their website. When I asked for an abbreviated version to start, so that we didn’t get overwhelmed, they instructed us to call them sometime in May so they can start us down the right track. It took everything in my being to play it cool and not dial them up at 8:00:01 a.m. when they opened this past Monday.
This (seemingly tiny) exercise in patience made me realize that this petulant attitude of mine could, and should be improved, especially if I’m looking to become a parent. Lee has graciously put up with a temper tantrum or two in the time we’ve been together, but frankly, he shouldn’t have to. I’m a grown ass woman. I need to act like one.
This is going to mean a huge overhaul in the way my brain/body works. My impatience stems from my anxiety. I tend to get anxious when I can’t control a situation. I get especially anxious about having to wait for things, especially if I feel there’s no reason for something to take so long. This carries over in my day-to-day life. I’m perpetually early, I consider on-time being late and I would rather just not go if I know I’m going to be late. How did I become this way? My parents were never on time for anything, so I didn’t get this quirk from them. My mom jokes that I actually became this way because I got tired of waiting on them.
The fact that I haven’t always been this way gives me hope. After all, if I can learn a behavior, perhaps I can unlearn it. Over the next few months, I will actively be working to develop patience, and above all, to accept the things I have no control over.
It dawns on me as I sit here pouring over that last sentence, that I have been taught this lesson before; I’ve just lost my resolve to practice it.