My husband was a little more on board with this attempt than he had been with the previous three, which I appreciated more than he probably knew. We gave our livers a break for the entire month of January and hit the ground running with our 4th attempt in February. I will say that this attempt seemed to be easier than the previous ones. Since I had broken the habit of a nightly glass (or bottle) of wine, I found it easier to be social than I had with our past rounds. I was also choosing to be far more open with this round than I had the previous ones. The majority of my family knew we were giving it another go as did my two closest girl friends. Any one that knows me knows that this was a major turning point for me. I’m a fairly private person and have kept the majority of this struggle close to my heart. The thing is, I don’t want to! I don’t want to be quiet about what we’re going through. I want everyone to know about it. Not because I want sympathy or pity, but because I think fertility issues aren’t talked about enough. It’s estimated that 1 in every 10 couples suffers from infertility, so chances are you know a few couples who are feeling less than adequate because of their child-bearing issues.
When it came time for the insemination, we were met with some rather disappointing news. My husband’s sample was less than ideal. The nurse tried to find a nice way to say it was the worst specimen he had ever given. Unfortunately, there’s not really a nice way to say that. Only 15% of the sperm in my husband’s sample were motile. That still gave us 1.5 million healthy guys, but my doctor’s ideal sample is 2 million or more, and we had never fallen below the magic number before. This information nagged at me pretty consistently however. I would later find out all the ways my husband’s sperm count can be affected and believe me, that’s been the hardest thing to reconcile yet.
I was so thankful for the support I received from my friends during this last attempt. I received a lot of texts and phone calls and a promise of whiskey to drown my sorrows if I wasn’t and sparkling cider to celebrate if I was. I took the day of the pregnancy test to work from home, so that if we received bad news, I would at least be in the comfort of my own home. I went in, took the test, and waited patiently at home with my husband for the results.
When the phone rang, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and answered. She didn’t even have to tell me. I heard it in the tone of her voice again. Our last attempt was not successful.
This brought us to the proverbial fork in the road. What do we do next? Do we start looking in to adoption? IVF? Or do we scrap the family plans and continue living our childless existence? My husband was adamant that he wanted a family and while he’s not opposed to adopting, he wanted to give IVF a try first. With an anticipated start date of August 2017, the next 4 months will be nerve-wracking and frankly, I’m scared. I know I can handle it, but this is not a journey I want to tackle alone.
Thank you to my friends and family who have been such a source of strength for me these past couple months as we’ve come to this decision. Your support means so much more to me than you know. It’s going to be a roller coaster of emotions for me the next few months, I’m sure, but I’m so glad to know I have all of you on my team.